Imagine someone asking you, "What are you feeling right now?"
I would definitely say "Nothing, I don't feel anything."
I know this sounds so...emo? I guess? But really, I feel nothing. It seemed like I'm made as nothing. I don't feel any worth or whatsoever. Is it because I was so afraid to speak my mind? Because when I do, I ALWAYS get hurt. It seemed like I never did something good or something that would make people proud of me. I am trapped in this life of restrictions and caution and rules and being isolated.
I don't feel 19, I feel like a sixteen year old. I don't want to be told what to do. I have my own mind. I know I have so much potential to be out there and just go with what life would want me to be. But because of this shell that's surrounding me. It's so hard to get out of that image of a child which is frustrating because I am not a child. I can handle myself . I have decisions to make and things to learn by myself. I'm not saying that I can do whatever I want, it's just that I want to experience LIFE. As in like reality, and not some life based on rules and theoretical answers. I want to have the freedom to be ME.
Everyone just thinks they have this plans for me all laid out, like a pretty picture in a frame. But hey, it's pressuring me. I don't know how to behave. And when I'm just being silly sometimes, they would always call it out on me as if I did something horrendous. On the other hand, when I do something nice, it's as if it's just ordinary news like when I say some good news, they're like "Oh okay. Have you been going home early?" I mean, it's like NOTHING! Seriously, I feel so restrained and weak. I envy my brother for being strong and unafraid to say what he thinks is right. Even if it causes him trouble, he just laugh it off or just sleep until everything's back to normal.
I know I am a responsible person. And I could be trusted. BUT NOOO, whenever I did something "out of the ordinary" they would just nag and say mean things to me. I don't want to hear the word "worthless" coming from someone that I love. It really does hurt. Right now, I am confused with what am I suppose to do. I think I have become bad at making decisions and always afraid. Imagine living a life inside a bubble (like Bubble Boy) you can see everything, but you can't touch them, thinking that these things would kill you.
I said to myself that I won't be posting sad things here in my blog, because I don't like the idea of writing about someone especially when it involves bad stuff about that person. I want this to be a place where I can express myself and do whatever. Maybe a little writing could release my life's frustrations.
